Wednesday, November 4, 2009


It's funny to me sometimes just what kind of music I tend towards. In this age of the internet, just about any type of music is available almost instantly via a plethora of internet sites. Some legal, some less than, but it seems that music is more than ever able to inspire the masses.

Right now, I'm listening to some Social Distortion. "Angel Wings" to be exact. Yes, it's not the more hardcore stuff of their earlier albums, which I also enjoy greatly, but it fits the mood I'm in. It's acoustic as well, which I find fits contemplation better than the full band versions of many songs.

Tired of figuring out things on my own, Angel wings won't you carry me home.

Yeah, at this point in my life I have a lot figured out. There's no such thing as true love, as happily ever after. At least not now. Those movies lied to us and we wanted it, because deep down we all want the good things in life without the pain that comes with it. The next day, the champagne has gone flat and the roses wilt, that great romance changes over time and it all comes to a decision: stay and live in the shadow of what once was or move on?

So far, I've kept moving on. Or rather, in certain cases that decision was made for me. There are a million things to say at those moments: "We tried all we could." "It just wasn't meant to happen." "We're better off friends." "I can't see this working." "I'm sorry."

It all comes down to one thing: It ended. Some people live their life in rememberance of that, they hold on to the pain because it's all that was left. I did that for many years, alcohol filling that big empty space and giving me the attention I wanted. I even met other people, but it never filled that hole I had dug in my own emotional backyard. They knew it too. I'd have a thousand-yard stare, even when I was happy I was holding back.

After this last weekend, I realized that the entire ideal I thought was coming to me doesn't exist. It's planning, which is the great ruining force behind life as we enjoy it. Our fate as rational beings ties us to try to control the uncontrollable: Nature, other creatures, other people, ourselves, even existance as we know it. We do what we must in order to ensure our own survival, so we build shelters, elect leaders who will protect our ideals, kill plants and animals for food and erect memorials to the great conquering heroes of our past. On another level, there are many who cling to the thought that there must be someone else out there for us. Some perfect "Soul mate" who will accept us as who we are and who we can be ourselves around. A partner in crime, as it were.

When I was a kid, I used to throw rocks in the stream behind my parents house to try and create a dam. Even when I thought I had it, I'd have a little pond to splash around in and have fun, that little stream would find a way through and undo all the work I had put in. It's the same with love, it seems. I've tried and tried to find this mystical one person, but now I realize that it's a crooked game. That person really doesn't exist. It's my attempt to try and stop that stream again, but no matter how hard I've tried to control the nature of love, the stream found a small hole and went about it's business. It's about finding people you enjoy being around, and working to keep things enjoyable. Enjoy the stream for what it is, for you'll destroy it if you make a lake of it.

I don't care about what they say,
I won't live or die that way.
Tired of figuring out things on my own,
Angel's Wings won't you carry me home.

1 comment:

  1. If the movies lied, it was only by omission. There are loves and relationships like that, but the movies rarely show you the hard parts, the fights, the tears, the disappointments. Those things happen, but most of us tend to ignore that part.

    Too many people forget that work is a big part of love. I don't think that every relationship gets to the point of "stay and live in the shadow of what once was or move on". Many do, but only when someone in the relationship has lost interest. For everyone else, they reach one of those tough spots and have to decide if they love the other person enough to work through it to make things even greater than their beginnings. Some don't, but those that do rarely regret it.